男子漢教育其實不利於男孩的成長

最新 06-23

男子漢教育其實不利於男孩成長

At a Father』s Day breakfast, my 5-year-old son and his classmates sang a song about fathers, crooning about 「my dad who』s big and strong」 and 「fixes things with his hammer」 and, above all else, 「is really cool.」

有一年父親節，我五歲的兒子和同學在吃早餐時唱了一首有關父親的歌，哼唱著「我的爸爸又高又壯」和「拿起鎚子就是修理匠」，最重要的是還有一句「真的很酷」。

Now, there』s nothing wrong with most of these qualities in and of themselves. But when these lyrics are passed down as the defining soundtrack to masculine identity, we limit children』s understanding not just of what it means to be a father but of what it means to be a man — and a boy, as well.

好吧，這些品質中的大部分本身沒有問題。但當這些歌詞被當作男性身份的典型特點傳承時，我們不僅限制了孩子對作為一個父親意味著什麼的理解，也限制了他們對作為一個男人和一個男孩意味著什麼的理解。

When fathers appear in children』s picture books, they』re angling for laughs, taking their sons on adventures or modeling physical strength or stoic independence. There is the rare exception in children』s books where a father baldly demonstrates — without symbolic gestures — his love for his son (a few are 「Guess How Much I Love You」 and 「Oh, Oh, Baby Boy!」). Just as women』s studies classes have long examined the ways that gendered language undermines women and girls, a growing body of research shows that stereotypical messages are similarly damaging to boys.

出現在孩子畫冊里的父親不是在逗笑，就是在帶著兒子冒險，或是展示體力或堅韌的獨立。在孩子的畫冊中，父親不加掩飾地表現——沒有象徵性的舉動——對兒子的愛是少有的例外（出現這種例外的是《Guess How Much I Love You》和《Oh, Oh, Baby Boy!」》）。就在女性的研究課題長期研究這種有性別區分的語言對女性和女孩的不利影響時，越來越多的研究表明，這些老套的言論對男孩同樣有害。

A 2014 study in Pediatrics found that mothers interacted vocally more often with their infant daughters than they did their infant sons. In a different study, a team of British researchers found that Spanish mothers were more likely to use emotional words and emotional topics when speaking with their 4-year-old daughters than with their 4-year-old sons. Interestingly, the same study revealed that daughters were more likely than sons to speak about their emotions with their fathers when talking about past experiences. And during these reminiscing conversations, fathers used more emotion-laden words with their 4-year-old daughters than with their 4-year-old sons.

《兒科學》(Pediatrics)在2014年發表的一項研究發現，母親和女嬰的語言互動頻率高於和男嬰的互動。在另一項研究中，一批英國研究人員發現，西班牙的母親在與四歲大的女兒說話時使用帶情緒的辭彙和話題的可能性，比她們和四歲大的兒子說話時高。有趣的是，這項研究還表明，在說到過去的經歷時，女兒和父親談論自己情感的可能性比兒子高。

What』s more, a 2017 study led by Emory University researchers discovered, among other things, that fathers also sing and smile more to their daughters, and they use language that is more 「analytical」 and that acknowledges their sadness far more than they do with their sons. The words they use with sons are more focused on achievement — such as 「win」 and 「proud.」 Researchers believe that these discrepancies in fathers』 language may contribute to 「the consistent findings that girls outperform boys in school achievement outcomes.」

此外，埃默里大學(Emory University)的研究人員在2017年領導的一項研究發現的結果包括，父親給女兒唱歌，朝她們微笑的時候更多，使用的語言比對兒子的更具「分析特點」，表現出的悲傷也多得多。他們對兒子的用詞更注重成就，比如「獲勝」和「驕傲」。研究人員認為，父親的語言中表現出的這些差異，也許是「女孩在學習成績上勝過男孩這個一致結論」的原因之一。

After visits to the emergency room for accidental injuries, another study found, parents of both genders talk differently to sons than they do to daughters. They are nearly four times more likely to tell girls than boys to be more careful if undertaking the same activity again. The same study cited earlier research which found that parents of both genders used 「directives」 when teaching their 2- to 4-year-old sons how to climb down a playground pole but offered extensive 「explanations」 to daughters.

在去過意外傷害急診室多次後，另一項研究發現，父母對兒子和對女兒的說話方式不同。他們讓女兒在下次做同一件事情時要更加小心的可能性，是對兒子這麼說的四倍。這項研究還提到了早前的一項研究。那項研究發現，父母在教兩到四歲的兒子怎麼從遊樂場的杆子上爬下來時會使用「命令」，對女兒則會給出大量「解釋」。

Even boys』 literacy skills seem to be impacted by the taciturn way we expect them to speak. In his book 「Manhood in America,」 Michael Kimmel, the masculine studies researcher and author, maintains that 「the traditional liberal arts curriculum is seen as feminizing by boys.」 Nowhere is this truer than in English classes where, as I』ve witnessed after more than 20 years of teaching, boys and young men police each other when other guys display overt interest in literature or creative writing assignments. Typically, nonfiction reading and writing passes muster because it poses little threat for boys. But literary fiction, and especially poetry, are mediums to fear. Why? They』re the language of emotional exposure, purported feminine 「weakness」 — the very thing our scripting has taught them to avoid at best, suppress, at worst.

甚至男孩的讀寫能力，似乎也受我們希望他們具備的沉默寡言的說話方式的影響。在《美國的男子氣概》(Manhood in America)一書中，研究男子氣概的研究人員兼作家邁克爾·基梅爾(Michael Kimmel)堅稱，「男孩認為傳統的人文科學課程女性化」。這一點在英語課堂上表現得最為真實。正如我在執教20多年裡親眼看到的那樣，當其他人對文學或創造性寫作任務表現出公開的興趣時，男孩和年輕男性會相互監督。通常，非虛構閱讀和寫作還過得去，因為它幾乎不會對男孩構成威脅。但文學虛構，尤其是詩歌令人害怕。為什麼？因為它們是表露情感，暴露所謂女性的「軟弱」的語言。正是我們的腳本教育他們最好是避免，最不濟也要剋制這種語言。

Women often say they want men to be emotionally transparent with them. But as the vulnerability and shame expert Brené Brown reveals in her book, 「Daring Greatly,」 many grow uneasy or even recoil if men take them up on their offer.

女人們經常說，她們希望男人能夠更加坦誠透明地對她們表達感情。但是，研究人類脆弱與恥辱感的專家布萊內·布朗(Brené Brown)在她的書《勇敢挑戰》(Daring Greatly)中指出，如果男人接受她們這個意見，許多女人反而會感到不安，甚至是退縮。

Indeed, a Canadian study found that college-aged female respondents considered men more attractive if they used shorter words and sentences and spoke less. This finding seems to jibe with Dr. Brown』s research, suggesting that the less men risk emoting verbally, the more appealing they appear.

事實上，加拿大的一項研究發現，大學生年齡的女性受訪者認為，沉默寡言、使用較短的單詞和句子的男性更有吸引力。這一發現似乎和布朗博士的研究成果相不謀而合，表明男人越是不願意冒險用語言表達感情，他們的魅力就越大。

Such squelching messages run counter-intuitively to male wiring, it turns out: Guys are born more emotionally sensitive than girls.

這種帶有壓抑色彩的信息是違背男人天性的，事實證明：在感情方面，男孩天生比女孩更敏感。

For three decades the research of Edward Tronick explored the interplay between infants and their mothers. He and his colleagues in the department of newborn medicine at Harvard Medical School discovered that mothers unconsciously interacted with their infant sons more attentively and vigilantly than they did with their infant daughters because the sons needed more support for controlling their emotions. Some of their research found that boys』 emotional reactivity was eventually 「restricted or perhaps more change-worthy than the reactivity of girls,」 Dr. Tronick noted in an email. Mothers initiated this — through physical withdrawal.

愛德華·特朗尼克(Edward Tronick)30年來一直在研究母嬰之間的互動。他和他在哈佛醫學院新生兒部門的同事們發現，母親與男嬰之間下意識的互動要比和女嬰之間的下意識互動更為專註和警覺，因為男嬰需要更多的幫助才能控制情緒。他們的一些研究發現，男孩的情緒反應最終「受到限制，同女孩相比，他們的反應被認為更應當改變」，特朗尼克博士在電子郵件中指出。母親撤回身體接觸，從而開始了這種限制或改變。

「So the 『manning up』 of infant boys begins early on in their typical interactions,」 Dr. Tronick said, 「and long before language plays its role.」

「所以，早在典型的母嬰互動之時，早在語言發揮作用之前，「拿出男人樣」的教育就已經開始了，」特朗尼克博士說。

Judy Chu, a human biologist, conducted a two-year study of 4- and 5-year-old boys and found that they were as astute as girls at reading other people』s emotions and at cultivating close, meaningful friendships. In her book 「When Boys Become Boys」 she maintains that by the time the boys reached first grade, sometimes earlier, they traded their innate empathy for a learned stoicism and greater emotional distance from friends. Interestingly, they adopted this new behavior in public, exclusively, but not at home or when their parents were around.

人類生物學家朱迪·朱(Judy Chu)對四歲和五歲的男孩進行了為期兩年的研究，發現他們在理解他人情感，以及培育親密、有意義的友誼時，是和女孩一樣敏銳的。她在《當男孩成為男孩》(When Boys Become Boys)一書中認為，男孩們到了上一年級的時候（有時更早），就會把天生的同理心換成後天習得的沉默堅忍，並與朋友之間保持更大的情感距離。有趣的是，他們只會在公共場合採取這種新的行為模式，但在家裡、在父母身邊時卻不會這樣。

Why do we limit the emotional vocabulary of boys?

為什麼我們限制男孩的情感表達辭彙？

We tell ourselves we are preparing our sons to fight (literally and figuratively), to compete in a world and economy that』s brutish and callous. The sooner we can groom them for this dystopian future, the better off they』ll be. But the Harvard psychologist Susan David insists the opposite is true: 「Research shows that people who suppress emotions have lower-level resilience and emotional health.」

我們告訴自己，我們是在幫兒子們備戰（從字面的意義上和比喻的意義上來說都是如此），在野蠻無情的世界與經濟之中競爭。我們越早幫他們為這個反烏托邦式的未來做好準備，他們將來就會過得越好。但是哈佛大學心理學家蘇珊·戴維(Susan David)堅持相反的觀點：「研究表明，抑制情緒的人適應能力和情緒健康都比較差。」

How can we change this? We can start, says Dr. David, by letting boys experience their emotions, all of them, without judgment — or by offering them solutions. This means helping them learn the crucial lessons that 「Emotions aren』t good or bad」 and that 「their emotions aren』t bigger than they are. They aren』t something to fear.」

我們該怎麼改正？戴維博士說，我們可以從讓男孩體驗自己的情緒開始，讓他們體驗自己的所有情緒，父母不要從旁做出評價，或是提供解決方案。這意味著幫助他們學到重要的一課：「情緒是不分好壞的」，以及「情緒就是情緒而已。不要對這些情緒感到害怕。」

Say to boys: 「I can see that you』re upset,」 or ask them, 「What are you feeling?」 or 「What』s going on for you right now?」 There doesn』t have to be any grand plan beyond this, she says. 「Just show up for them. Get them talking. Show that you want to hear what they』re saying.」

對男孩說：「我看出你很不高興」，或問他們，「你有什麼樣的感受？」或「你現在覺得怎麼樣？」戴維博士說，這樣就夠了，用不著制定什麼大計劃。「你只需出現在他們身邊。讓他們說話。表示你想聽他們所說的東西。」

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