如果我不這麼渣，他可能還活著

「第一次見到 Jack 時，我心想：『這是一個不玩世不恭、不陰暗、熱愛生活的 gay。』他總是精力充沛。

他是老師，教五年級。當他談到他的工作時，總是很興奮。他會寫劇本，讓孩子們自己選角色。他會花好幾個小時寫出那些對話。然後我會假裝成一個父親，坐進觀眾席。那太好玩了。我們在一起時特別開心。

但我們在約會時，總有聲音告訴我，我能找到更好的。我是一個花哨的律師， Jack 對我來說好像『不夠酷』。所以我離開了他，去找了個21歲的小鮮肉。

Jack 和我仍然是朋友，我們甚至還住在一起。但他的心理治療師跟他說，不能再和我約會了。所以他約了別人，然後就得病了。我們倆都病了，但死的人是 Jack。如果我不這麼渣，他可能還活著。如果他對我來說『夠酷』，他就永遠不會染上艾滋病。

我一直都覺得沒有人會真的愛我，但有一個很棒的人來愛我了，我卻離開了他，去跟一個沒那麼棒的人發生了關係。

Jack 去世有30年了。我幾乎每晚都會夢到他。看到他活著總是感覺很好。因為會有那麼一刻，我不必再為他的死而責備自己。在夢裡，我通常會求他原諒我，有些晚上他會原諒我，但有些晚上他不會。」

「The first time I met Jack, I thought to myself: 『Here』s a gay guy who』s not cynical, who』s not sarcastic, who enjoys life.』 He had so much energy.

He was a fifth grade teacher and he』d always get so excited when he talked about his work. He』d produce these plays where he』d let the kids choose their own characters. He』d spend hours writing out their dialogue. And then I』d pretend to be one of the fathers and go sit in the audience. It was so fun. We had so much fun together.

But the whole time we were dating, there was always part of me that thought I could do better. I was a fancy lawyer. Jack never seemed 『cool enough』 for me. And so I left him for a gorgeous twenty-one year old.

Jack and I remained friends. We even continued living together. But his therapist told him never to date me again. So he dated other people. And he got sick. Both of us got sick, but Jack was the one who died. And he might have lived if I hadn』t been such a bad person. If he"d been "enough" for me, he"d never have gotten HIV.

The funny thing is-- I』d grown up thinking that I』d never be loved. Then a wonderful person loved me. And I left him to have sex with somebody who wasn』t a wonderful person.

Jack died thirty years ago. I dream about him almost every night. It always feels good to see him alive. For a moment, I don"t have to blame myself for his death. I usually ask him for forgiveness. And some nights he forgives me. But other nights he doesn』t.」

ABOUT US

Humans of New York是紐約攝影師Brandon Stanton開創的街頭攝影計劃，他每天在紐約的街頭尋找普通的紐約人，請他們講述自己的生活和感悟，簡單的幾句話里常常有讓人會心一笑或者擊中人心的力量。

在Humans of New York的激勵下，世界上很多城市都有人開始了類似的攝影項目，其中也包括不少中國城市。我們也會從中選擇部分有意思的故事不定期發布。

喜歡這篇文章嗎？立刻分享出去讓更多人知道吧！