用遊戲方式跟孩子建立規則，孩子會認真對待嗎？

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4歲男孩媽媽問：我用遊戲的方式建立的規則，孩子會認真對待嗎？如果別人用不遊戲的方法對待孩子，比如嚴厲的訓斥，孩子能消化並正確對待嗎？

勞倫斯·科恩

美國臨床心理學家

兒童遊戲治療師

對於這個問題的前半部分，答案非常簡單，那就是：是的，如果我們用遊戲的方式建立規則，那麼孩子就能夠更好地理解規則，即使這些遊戲都傻乎乎的，而且內容都是打破規則。這些遊戲雖然看起來有些自相矛盾，但是真的管用。你這麼說：「任何人都不許碰這些枕頭！如果有人碰了，他就有大麻煩了！我會把他捉進監獄！」當然，他們一定會去碰枕頭，然後你就追他們，捉住之後撲通一聲把他們扔在枕頭上，說：「你現在被關進監獄了，最好別逃跑哦！」然後，你轉過身，他們肯定會逃跑，你就再去追他們。經常和孩子們玩這種關於規則的好玩的遊戲，他們會在之後更加遵守規則。這並不是教他們去打破規則。我知道這聽起來讓人覺得有點兒迷惑，因為表面看起來你確實是在教他們：「噢，打破規則好好玩啊！」但是實際上，孩子們懂得玩耍和現實之間的區別。他們也許只需要一個溫馨的提示，我們只需要告訴他們：「嘿，你知道嗎，這個遊戲只能在家裡玩。在學校的時候，聽老師的話和遵守規則是非常重要的。」

接下來這個問題要稍微複雜一些：當大人很嚴厲的時候，我們希望孩子如何應對？如果我們在家用一種寬鬆和遊戲的方式對待規則，那麼他們在學校還能服從嚴厲老師的指示嗎？我覺得這確實有點傷腦筋，因為我們希望孩子懂禮貌，希望他們安全，希望他們合作，不希望他們對老師說：「不用你告訴我該做什麼！」我們當然也不希望孩子對著警察說：「不用你告訴我該做什麼！」因為這會給他們帶來大麻煩，我們不希望孩子經歷這些。但是，另一方面，我們也不希望孩子只知道坐在那裡說：「噢，我不知道該幹什麼。我只能坐在這兒等別人告訴我幹什麼，我真地不知道該做什麼。」我們希望他們有一些主動性和創造性，因此，我們需要幫助他們去理解，在遵守規則和獨立思考之間有一個平衡點，那就是邊界所在。當孩子們長大一點，我們可以就這個話題和他們進行更多的交談和討論。但是，當孩子們還比較小的時候，比如說四、五歲，我們更多地需要遊戲的方式。我會說：「來，我們演一些不同的場合吧。」如果大人對孩子非常嚴厲，那麼孩子需要回到家中療愈，從被嚴厲呵斥造成的難過中恢復過來，因為實際上，並不需要嚴厲地呵斥孩子，他們知道這樣做是不對的，這會傷他們的心。所以，他們有可能需要回家玩一個角色置換的遊戲，在遊戲中，他們是老師，來大聲呵斥。我的女兒在學校的時，總是行為得當，順從老師，從不打破規則。但是，當她從學校回到家，尤其是從幼兒園回來時，她會想玩上學的遊戲。在遊戲里，她讓我來扮演調皮的孩子，或者為各種不同的毛絨玩具配音，假裝是班裡的學生，而這些學生都很調皮，然後她來扮演那個嚴厲的老師，訓斥這些調皮的小熊或者調皮的兔子。雖然事實上，她從來都不是那個調皮的學生，但是孩子在教室被大聲訓斥的情境，對於她來說，也是一種深刻的情緒體驗，她也需要通過遊戲來恢復。

So,for the first part of the question, the answer is very simple: yes, childrenwill understand rules better if we play games about rules, even if these gamesare very silly and the games are all about breaking rules. Though a bit ofparadox, it really does work. You say "nobody touches this pillows! And ifanybody touches these pillows, they"ll be in big trouble and I"m going to takethem into jail!" Of course, they touch the pillow, you chase after themand catch them, then plop them down on top of the pillows and say "You arein jail. You better not escape." then you turn around and of course, theyescape and you go chasing them again. And you play this kind of very funnygames about rules and actually, children always will have a better cooperationwith rules afterwards. It"s not teaching them that it"s fine to break rules. Ican understand why it"s confusing because it seems like you are teaching them"oh, it"s really fun to break a rule." But children understand thedifference between play and reality. Now they might need a gentle reminder,they might need to be told "oh, you know what, this is a game we play athome. At school, it"s important to listen to your teacher and follow therules."

Nowthe second question is a little more complicated: What do we want our childrento do when an adult being very strict? Will they be able to follow thedirection of a strict teacher if we have been lighthearted and playful aboutrules at home? I think that it is a little bit of delicate situation because wewant our children to be polite, and we want our children to be safe, and wewant them to be cooperative, so we will not want our child to say to a teacher"you can"t tell me what to do." We certainly wouldn"t want a child tosay to a police officer "You can"t tell me what to do." These thingswill get them big trouble and we do not want this for our children. But on theother hand, we don"t want our children to sit there and say "oh, I have noidea what to do. I have to sit here and wait until someone tells me what to do,and I don"t know what to do." We want them to have some initiative, somecreativity, and so, we need to help them understand that there"s a balancebetween following the rules, but also having a little bit of some independentthinking and figuring out where the boundaries are. And as children get older,we can have more talk and discussion about this. When children are young, likeage four or five, we do this mostly through play. I"ll say "oh, let"s playout some different situations." Now if adults are being very harsh towardsa child, the child will need to come home and recover from the emotional upsetof being talked to so harshly, because children actually don"t need to betalked to harshly and they know that it"s wrong and they know that it hurt theminside, so they may need to come home and play a role reversal game, where theyare the teacher and they do the scolding. My daughter, when she was in school,was very very proper and obedient and she never broke the rules. But when shecame home from school, especially in kindergarten, she would want to playschool. And in play school, she wanted me to pretend to be the naughty child,or to be the voice of different stuffed animals, who were the students in theclass, and they were all very naughty and she was the strict teacher scoldingthese naughty bears and naughty bunny rabbits. And she was never really thenaughty one, but the fact that children were being scolded in the classroom wasa very deep emotional experience for her, and she need to recover from that byplaying.

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