教會孩子獨立的五大訣竅
本文作者介紹：
拉斐爾·海瑟靈頓
名師輔導總監
拉斐爾是英倫求學中心的資深教育顧問，在英倫求學中心主管名師招聘、培訓和教學品質管理。他擁有超過10年的家庭輔導經驗，成功幫助許多7-16歲的海外學生融入英國的教育體系，提升學業成績。
翻譯/編輯：Evonne
中文譯文：
家長們僱傭價格不菲的私教老師，是想孩子變得更好。但是家長們也深知缺乏責任心和獨立性的孩子很難取得成功。
在這篇推文里，我們將與大家分享5種教育孩子學會獨立，充滿正能量的訣竅，並一同討論一些看起來是為孩子好實際上卻給孩子帶來無窮後患的事情。
別什麼都幫著孩子做
是的，作為家長，我們都希望能夠做各種事情上給予孩子幫助。當看到孩子身處困境，渴望得到幫助的時候，我們總會忍不住地向前幫助，倘若袖手旁觀，我們中的大部分心裡都會緊揪著，非常難受。但是，值得注意的是，每當我們幫助孩子完成一項任務，完成一些作業，準備上學用品或打掃房間時，一些消極的信息就會被潛意識地傳播。首先是，不能獨立完成事情的孩子需要安慰及幫助。其次，孩子並沒有獨立自主權，他們並不需要為所做的事情所負責。
那些經常為孩子提供幫助的家長們會使得孩子在孤立無援的情況下變得束手無策。在人生的很多時候，我們都需要滿懷自信，用自身的能力去解決問題。為了更茁壯地成長更好地發揮自身潛能，孩子必須擁有獨立解決事情的能力。在獨立自主的過程中，孩子們可能會犯下一些錯誤，但這些錯誤都會讓他們受益匪淺。
再者，一個在父母庇護下長大的孩子會缺乏努力奮進的動力，因為他並不懼怕因他的粗心大意而造成的後果。更有甚者，孩子甚至會憎恨父母，埋怨他們奪走了他們的生活自我把控權。
這些棘手問題的解決方法就是相信你的孩子，並且讓他們知道你相信他們，給予他們獨立解決問題的空間。在一本頗受歡迎的暢銷書《高效人群的七大習慣》里，作者Stephen Covey將主動性列為取得成功的首要必備。且在書中，他也深刻地講述了一些關於他是如何培養他家孩子的主動性及高效率的故事。每當他的兒子向他尋求幫助的時候，Covey總會說：「先動動你的小腦袋發揮一下你的創造力先吧。」甚至簡略地說：「不妨用一下你的R（resourcefulness）和I（initiative）先吧。」逐漸地，孩子明白了這一點，並養成了在尋求幫助前先自己努力一番的良好習慣。
深知父母對自己擁有足夠多信心的孩子往往會變得更加有自信，更加勤奮，因為他們堅信於自己及他們的努力。
別老管著孩子
這點與第一點十分相似，但又存在著很大的不同。與別老幫著孩子做事一樣，別老管著孩子也是同樣重要的。
首先，我們值得注意的是，儘管我們提倡自由式家長方式，我們還是不應該讓太小的孩子留在一旁，長時間無人看管。作為家長，我們仍然要對孩子的安全與健康負責任。然而，對於稍微年長的孩子，尤其是8~9歲或更大一點的孩子，我們的確應該給予他們自由玩耍的時間及自主權。孩子們需要一些獨立玩耍或與玩伴相處的時間，這樣他們才能變得更加獨立，有能力。
同樣地，孩子並不需要將自己的生活安排地滿滿的。雖然孩子學習游泳，象棋，小提琴等是很有意義的，但這些活動不應該佔據孩子大部分的時間，他們還應該擁有一些私人時間來玩耍和發獃。玩耍和發獃對於激發創造力來說都具有重要的意義。所以家長們不應該將孩子們的時間安排得過於緊湊。
但請切記要支持你的孩子
在有些情況下，孩子還是需要我們指引方向。上面兩點說的是，孩子需要一些獨立的空間去思考，去玩耍，去冒險以及去犯錯。而第三點側重於，除了給予孩子獨立空間之外，我們還可以做什麼培養孩子的獨立意識。如果你的孩子提議建造點什麼或組織一次活動或進行一次公益競走活動，我們應該給予他們足夠多的支持與鼓勵。再次需要強調的是，這樣做旨在增強孩子的獨立性和責任心，學會從積極主動的角度看待問題，而不是去做被強迫的事情。家長應允許孩子自己做主，且恰當給予孩子幫助。重點是讓孩子感覺到自己是被傾聽的，並且堅信自己有能力去完成心中所想。
不僅是在生活中，在學習里我們也應該遵循這樣的原則。家長並不應該替孩子們做作業，更多地是要進行輔導。家長有責任去督促孩子完成作業，並且關心孩子在學校的學業成績。在備考期間更是如此，家長們應該確保孩子制定好一個可行的複習計劃，而不是一味地為他們做計劃，在一天的複習後用一些小測試來檢驗孩子的複習效果，並在他們倍感焦慮時進行心理疏導。
除此之外，家長們還應該和孩子們一起度過一些美好的時光。比如，每周安排一次特別的親子活動，如一起看電影、外出吃晚餐或者一起踢球等一切有趣的事情。孩子很需要那一份確認感和安穩感，堅信父母和他們一起相處的時光是快樂無比的。這使得他們在獨處的時候更有自信，更獨立。
最後我們可以一起總結一下前三點：我們應該儘力做一個全身心支持孩子，但又能恰當地給予孩子獨立空間的父母。這似乎看起來難以平衡，但請謹記太過嚴厲或溺愛或疏忽都是不利於孩子的獨立感和自我價值的培養。
讓孩子承擔一些責任
孩子需要在家裡承擔一些責任，因為這是他們學會獨立處理問題，照顧好自己的重要途徑。在這過程中，也能很好地培養孩子的責任心。當孩子逐漸長大，他們也應該學會照料一些家庭瑣事，比如打掃衛生，清理飯桌，倒垃圾，打掃院子，幫著做飯（這是很重要的！）做一些DIY手工等（比如安裝書架）。同時，孩子們也應該保持好房間的整潔，養成一種良好的生活習慣。
一個很好的建議就是我們可以羅列出每個家庭成員在家裡所承擔的責任。家長是努力賺錢養家糊口的，所以我們並不能指望他們能夠完全兼顧所有的家庭瑣事。反而，孩子們也應該主動承擔一些家庭責任。
這些家庭瑣事和課業學習及課外活動同樣重要，孩子們可以身體力行地體驗生活的一些細枝末節，並且更深入地了解一些生活本質。家庭事務可以很好地培養孩子的同情心，想像力和責任心。一個從小在溺愛環境下長大的孩子其實受到的傷害更大，他們很有可能在大學宿舍等陌生的環境里束手無措，焦慮慌張。
做孩子的榜樣
很多家長抱怨孩子很少讀書，然而自己卻也並不是那麼鍾情於書籍。孩子在日常生活中是十分擅長於觀察及模仿的。家長日常為人處事，接物待人的方式都在潛移默化地影響著孩子。為什麼家長大部分的時間可以無所事事，輕鬆自在，而孩子卻應該努力追求自己的夢想？為什麼家長少有捧起一本書，而孩子卻應該認真學習？為什麼父母可以總是以自我為中心，對孩子的事情不聞不問，而孩子卻要事事遵循父母的意見？
作為父母，我們的確應該身體力行地為孩子樹立一個良好的榜樣。孩子其實一直都在觀察著家長的一言一行，通過我們來認識這個看似複雜的世界。如果你想培養孩子的責任心，那麼你在為人處事上也要學會主動承擔責任。如果你想孩子對文化知識擁有著濃厚的興趣，那麼你也應該對各種文化充滿好奇。如果你想孩子努力學習，那麼你也應該在所在領域兢兢業業——這指的並不僅僅是辦公室，更多的是指孩子看得見你的地方。家長可以和孩子一同努力，在家裡，在一個項目中，在運動場上，在花園裡，在大棚中，在圖書館裡......身體力行地教會孩子什麼是責任心，如何成為一個努力的人，自然而然地，孩子也會變成一個有責任心，不斷努力的人。
英文原文：
Five ways to teach your child to be independent
Parents all want the best for their children, and that』s why they hire tutors. But parents also know that it will be impossible for their child to be successful without first developing a sense of personal responsibility and independence.
In today』s blog post, we』re going to look at five ways that parents can help their child to have a greater sense of personal motivation, and discuss why what might seem to be the best for children can end up causing them more harm than good.
Don』t do everything for them
What good parent doesn』t want to help his or her child? It』s only natural when you see your child struggling to want to step in and help, to guide, advise and pass on wisdom, and many parents feel uncomfortable with the idea of not coming to the aid of a loved one in need. The problem is that every time a parent helps a child to complete a task, or to finish some homework, or to prepare for school, or to tidy his or room, certain negative messages are subconsciously being conveyed. The first is that the child is not capable of completing tasks himself and needs reassurance and help. The second is that the child does not have ownership of the things that he or she does, and therefore is not responsible for them.
Parents that constantly help their children are not preparing them adequately for the time when there is no help available, and the child will have to rely on his own confidence and resourcefulness to manage himself and his problems. Children must do things by themselves, make decisions — and therefore mistakes — by themselves, in order to learn their own power and potential.
Furthermore, a child who is constantly being bailed out by his parents has no incentive to work hard, because he doesn』t fear the consequences of his negligence. But even worse than that, he might even have learned to resent his parents because they haven』t allowed him ownership of his own life. His refusal to work may lie may be a method of communicating that dissatisfaction to his parents.
The solution to all of this is to trust your children, and to let them know that you trust them, and to allow them to solve problems by themselves. In his celebrated bestseller The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey marks proactivity as the first and most important habit to achieve success, and discusses how he tried to inculcate a sense of power and effectiveness in his own children. Whenever his son asked him for help, Covey would respond with 『use your resourcefulness and initiative!』, shortened to 『use your R and I!』. Eventually his son got the point, and even began to catch himself before asking for help, saying, 『I know! I』ll use my R and I!』.
Children that know their parents trust them (and, as we』ll see later, expect them) to get on with things by themselves grow up to be confident, hard-working adults, because they believe in themselves and their efforts. If you want your child to be personally responsible, don』t do everything for him.
Don』t helicopter…
This is very closely related to the first point on this list, but there is a crucial difference. Just as much as it』s important that parents don』t always provide help to their children, it』s also important that they don』t always know where their children are or what they are doing.
Before we elaborate, it』s important to say that very young children shouldn』t be left unattended for long periods of time, and as much as we』re advocating a laisse-faire approach to parenting, parents are also responsible for their child』s safety and well-being. However, for older children, particularly from the age of 8 or 9 onwards, it is very important that they have the freedom to play by themselves and have some say in how they spend their time. Children need time to spend time by themselves or with their friends to develop a healthy sense of independence and competence away from their parents.
Likewise, children don』t need schedules that take up every minute of the day. While it might make sense to fill a child』s time with swimming, chess and the violin, too many activities shouldn』t take precedence over time to relax or to get bored. Play and boredom are both vital for creativity, so parents should be careful to not fill every moment with 『something worthwhile』.
…but do support your child
Children should, where possible, be allowed a sense of direction over their lives. The above two points are made in the belief that this means children need time away from their parents, to think, to play, to have adventures and to make their own mistakes.
This third point, however, concerns what you can do to help your child develop a sense of independence beyond just leaving him or her alone. If your child suggests building something, or organising an event, or doing a sponsored walk, they should be supported and encouraged at all points in their endeavours. Again, the aim is for the child to feel a sense of personal volition and responsibility, and to see these things as positive and rewarding, rather than simply irritating tasks that they are being forced to do. Allow children to be the CEOs of their personal endeavours, and help them and support them in what they』re trying to achieve. The aim is for children to feel like they are being listened to, and that they have the potential to achieve if they set their minds to it.
This is also true when it comes to academic work. Parents shouldn』t do their children』s homework for them, but they should be a present and concerned part of the process. It is a parent』s responsibility to check that a child is doing their homework, and parents should be interested — and express this interest — in their child』s academic fortunes at school. The same goes for exam preparation — make sure your child has a study timetable without making it for them, test them on what they know after a day of revision, and reassure them when they worry.
In addition to this, make sure generally that you spend quality time with your children. Have a special evening each week where you go to the cinema together, or out to dinner, or go to a football game — anything. Children need to know that their parents are present to them and enjoy their company, and this will give them a greater sense of confidence and competence when they are by themselves.
Ultimately we could sum up these first three points thus: try to be present, loving and supportive, but not overbearing and constantly on hand. This can be a difficult balance to find, but remember that being either too solicitous or negligent can be bad for your child』s sense of independence and self-worth.
Give them responsibilities
Children need to contribute to life at home, since this is the primary way they』ll learn how to manage themselves and their own lives when they eventually leave. With that in mind, they need to be expected to be responsible. As soon as they are old enough, children should be helping with the washing up, laying and clearing the table, taking out the rubbish, helping in the garden (cutting the grass, watering plants), helping with the cooking (this is hugely important), helping with DIY going on in the house (putting up shelves for example), and of course they should be expected to keep their own space — their room — in a respectable (or, for most teenagers, habitable) condition.
A good rule is for everyone in the family to outline his or her responsibilities. The parents are the ones earning the money, and so shouldn』t be expected to do everything at home. Instead, the children should take on some of the household responsibilities.
These tasks are just as important and worthwhile as academic and extra-curricular pursuits. They teach children about the nuts and bolts of living, as well as about the daily realities of the people around them. Household chores encourage empathy, imagination, and responsibility, and a child who grows up with everything being done for him is being done a severe disservice, since once he leaves home and starts up in an unfamiliar environment — such as university accommodation — where there is no help available, he won』t know where to begin.
Lead by example
Many parents lament the fact that their children don』t read, despite the fact that they themselves rarely — if ever — pick up a book. Children are imitators in everything that they do; how you as a parent behave, both towards yourself, them and others, will teach them how to behave. Why should a child work hard at an independent pursuit if they』ve never seen their parents do it? Why should a child study hard if their parents don"t? And why should a child care about what their parents want them to do if their parents are absorbed in their own lives and don』t seem to care about the child?
As a parent, you have a responsibility to lead by example. Your child is watching you at every moment, and learning about the world from you. If you want your child to be responsible, you must be responsible. If you want your child to take an active interest in culture, you must take an active interest in culture. If you want your child to work hard, you must work hard — but that doesn』t mean at the office, where you are invisible to them; that means being with them and working hard together, at home, on a project, out on the sports field, in the garden, in the shed, at the piano, in the library. Show your child what it means to be a responsible, hard-working adult, and they will grow to be responsible, hard-working adults themselves.
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